I don't know who I am.
This statement comes across as rather sad, cliche, and almost emo. I say this, however, with the idea that this is a good and a bad thing simultaneously. It seems rather bittersweet actually because I am stuck halfway in this nostalgic mud pit, halfway on a determined path to make something of myself and of the life I lead. Hmph. "Life I lead..." That's almost humorous, because the universe knows I don't always feel as if I am doing the leading. That is to say, I do a lot of random and fickle-esque stumbling in some sort of an attempt to go in a direction I find suitable for the eventual goals I set. Herein lies my dilemma. I have this idea of what I want to do, where I want to be, you see. And I think to myself that this somehow translates into understanding who I am. I think I sometimes speak like a person who is very much aware of who she is. This would be incorrect. I am keenly aware of a few things, yes. One of those being that I know I am not entirely sure who I am just yet. In the words of Buffy Summers, who my closest people refer to me as, "I'm not done baking." The difference is my discontent in how far along I am in the process. Buffy is not only okay with not knowing, but also enjoying it. She is seemingly along for the ride and one day she'll know. I think I have a better idea of what my version of 'cookies me' will look like. I am clearly not there. In fact, I may have regressed a little. Regressed isn't even the right word. I am something less than what I was even a few years ago, I think. There are so many things I used to do that I just haven't made time for. I am not in the best shape. The feeling of getting weaker... I can't tell you how awful it feels, yet I have made such little efforts to do anything about it. So I know what I could be doing to improve, what bothers me about all my knowing is the lack of action. I have become this complacent creature on the verge of falling under epicurean status.
Here I am at 4am typing away on the idiot box. Late at night indeed. Insomnia set in. My mind simply whirling away and that nagging feeling that I am not enough. I spent two hours trying to close my eyes and force sleep on my body. Again my mind fails to overcome my body. It could be the other way actually. My warring mind has kept me up at these hours. Haven't decided yet. Both, perhaps. I suppose it is normal to be faced with this realization in life. We all come to that moment that brings you to your knees when we know, just know, that we are lacking. Lacking in so many ways it knocks the breath from your lungs so hard you wonder if it'll come back. The choice to lay down or to stand up is a defining choice. It says so much about who we are. Who I am. And when faced with it again, because humans have a way of putting the most important things in life on the back burners, it's not enough for me to say that I willed myself to be different one time. Once, even twice, is not enough. What we forget is that this struggle is a constant one. It presents itself to you everyday in the smallest ways most times. Our choices begin to shape who we become and each has an impact. So many are unaware of this. And if they are vaguely aware, then their perception of this concept drastically differs from my own. We can discuss that another time.
So lying here, I decided I will be doing a few things that I had apparently not decided to do previously. I am having trouble deciding on my true intentions. The nature of intentions can be tricky. I want to say I intended to do those things a lot earlier, but the full meaning of that alludes me as of right now. I do however want to be someone that has intentions which entail my follow through in action. And if I say I will do something, I do it. Seems like a simple trait that most people think they possess. That, reader, is a falacy. It is simple for the strong-willed. The strong-willed are few and far between. But regardless, it is a trait that I find is less true about me than it was before. So I am on a mission to prove myself wrong. Weird how that works.
