So... I was just laughing at how ridiculous I am. I know I can be a bit of a volatile person. I realized again for the millionth time how grateful I am for someone so patient and light-hearted. I throw fits over nothing sometimes and get sad or angry over the littlest things. Somehow, Angel, the best person I know seems to be able to handle all of it. Even if it's aimed at him when he's just the innocent bystander of that particular day's tantrum storm. Then the other night he stayed up until some crazy hour answering all the questions I had on my mind and bantered back and forth about things we didn't agree. We covered a lot. Philosophy, his paper, the universe/physics, Einstein, linguistics, mathematics, back to philosophy, politics/social issues. Then we discussed how I am a bit insane. I realized then that he had to be up at 8am and would not be getting a sufficient amount of sleep because he was willing to entertain my mind going 800 mph and still keep up. In fact, he was exhausted and still did it. Is it odd that after all these years he can still amaze me?
I keep thinking about how people make compromises in their lives. I think I have made some in order to be with Angel, but I know each time I do so, I've made the right choice. That every day choice to be with this person is the right one, because he is the right person for me. It made me sad to think that people that I care about do not have that luxury. Maybe life had led them away from that person. A lot of people might respond with "then it wasn't meant to be". But it's too passive for me. Why are we damned to submit to some kind of fate? "Predestined" is a cop out. I am a fighter. There are many who are not and I lack the empathy to understand. People always talk about how marriage is a lot of work, but worth it in the end. But when troubles come round, that's what we do isn't it? Fight. We fight each other but it's the ones who choose to fight to be with each other who survive. It's not as if that's all love is. But all things worth anything come with a bit of a struggle. As the saying goes, "a little pain never hurt anyone."
Anywho, I digress.
I am working on trying to still my temperamental tendencies. You know, just to reign them in a bit. I understand that I'm a fiery person and embrace that fact. However, there are many aspects that can be damaging to oneself and to relationships. Anger is one of them. I was told that I am the type of person that searches for something to be angry about. I was taken aback at first and a little defensive. After some thought I came to realize that they were right. Sometimes I can divert that anger into good and throw it into something I really believe in, such as being green and reducing our carbon footprint. The environment is something I feel rather strongly about and I find myself angry about it a lot. This I don't mind so much so long as I am active about finding a way to help and it doesn't eat away at me. It doesn't. There are at times things I really do not need to be angry about. I allow annoyance to turn into anger pretty quickly. I have almost no coping mechanisms and safeguards to protect myself from anger. Especially in cases that whatever I'm angry about just doesn't matter. Or it's not something I can change. I would say I'm not a control freak but I am.
And then there's resentment. When anger turns to resentment it can start to get really hurtful. There's this person in my life whom I've cared for for a long time. Needless to say, we've had some rocky times and now we're in this place. I'm not sure what to call it. I apologize for being unclear. There's this sadness that I carry for them because I want very much for things to improve but I just don't know how to go about it other than to leave it be. To let it run its course and unknot itself with time. And impatient as I am -- I just takes too damn long. Ha. I have recently discovered that there is a small harbored resentment tucked away. When I speak of them critically I had told myself that I was just being realistic, but that's not true. I was resenting the fact that I'd been rejected by this person long ago. And so, out of self-preservation, began to be critical of them. Maybe to lessen the hurt?
It's proof however that I still care for them. And if ever there was an olive branch, I would take it. In a heartbeat. I would extend it myself but haven't got a clue how. Regardless of all of that I am now deciding that I need to try and let it go. Stop being angry about the past and allow for a time of growth instead of stifled tension. I thought that I was being weak for laying down and taking it all. That's not it though is it? For me, it was easier to be mad. It takes more strength to not just let things go but to overcome anger altogether. Anger itself is my enemy if I cannot use it as fuel for self-improvement. In this case, I cannot. And it's slowly teaching me that I pay for such anger with pieces of my spirit. Chipped away little by little.
No more.
I have thus taken it upon myself to commit to memory something to help the process. As my parents taught me to memorize the bible in hopes it's verses would be of use, I will try and do just that. Except that it won't be something out of the bible. I'll be employing Plutarch to be my right hand man in my battle with Anger:
"Worse men have conquered better, but to set up in your soul a victory monument over anger -- with which Heraclitus says is hard to fight, for whatever it wants it buys with soul -- that is the mark of a great and victorious strength."
He's right though... worse men have conquered better.
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