24 is an interesting number; actually it's always been one of my favourites. It's digits add up to the first perfect number and is a multiple of said number. It is the factorial of 4. The tesseract is a really cool 4 dimensional analog of the cube consisting of 24 2-D faces all of which are squares. There are 24 hours in a day on earth. A lot can happen in a single day. One of the best ones is simply that there are 24 total major and minor keys in Western tonal music. Almost all of the music I have ever known and loved has been written and played and sung in one of those keys.
Birthdays are a time for introspection it seems.
I want to say so many things about each year of my early twenties. It's been a ride so far. I don't particularly feel different. But I have to say I all of the sudden feel old. I get to say I am in my "mid" twenties now. My 18 year-old self imagined that I'd be in school working on my masters by now. Unfortunately, and some might say fortunately, that is not the case. There is a lot to my life that I didn't expect to have experienced. I am just a little bit wiser. Or rather, I understand better that my perception of the world was small and have since broadened my view of it. My goal is to continue to do so. The weeks prior to my birthday had been a bit crazy. I had a really good visit from some family, but I had been struggling with what I like to call growing pains. I am realizing I am different and the people I have chosen to befriend are different and my environment is different. I hadn't adjusted because I was changing internally along with my external changes. It felt a bit like I was losing myself in there somewhere. I was spinning.
I have recently come home from a much needed vacation. It was a lot to take in and it felt like we were always on the move, but it was a hell of a lot of fun. Now, sitting in my comfy chair at home, I am so glad to have taken the time away. It sort of resets our brains. My thoughts feel a bit clearer, hence the ability to finish this post finally (ha). I feel a bit renewed in a sense. That I should take on being 24 with a sense of youthfulness and excitement instead of disappointed nostalgia. That's just sad. I'm too young and life's too short for that. Going back to work is gonna be a bit of a struggle though to be totally honest. That's okay. It's summer. And summer was always my time. I have been thinking the last couple of weeks about what it means to be my age. I have come to the conclusion that it is completely up to me. It simply doesn't matter what the world thinks I should be doing. I just need to make up my mind to do something and do it. I was a bit depressed at the fact that I am 24 and haven't actually accomplished many of the things I had originally set out to do. But that's the way of life. We change, as do our priorities. It simply means that I do not need to wait on my dreams because I missed a few of the pit stops I had intended to take along the way.
And in that spirit, my partner and I have started making some very big decisions. I was honestly rather scared at the prospect, but the wild, free-spirited part of me just said, "Why the hell not?" So I have resolved to do some things in the way of bettering myself (mostly because I had gotten so far away from treating myself right) and moving towards going after the things in life I kept waiting on.
I'll be posting about the recent travels and big decisions (probably separately) soon.
23 June 2016
29 March 2016
arsonist's lullabye
It's been a while since I decided to write. Can't think of anything specific enough to write about. I meant to update everyone on how living in California is going. I have acquired a local liaison (a friend, haha) to occasionally show me around when our schedules coincide once in a blue moon. I will for sure make a fun post about all I've actually gotten to see. It's beautiful here. I didn't realize the ocean could be so captivating when I know so little about it. Maybe that's why some things remain beautiful to us. The mystery. I feel so cliche right now sitting with my overpriced Starbucks coffee contributing to the capitalist stereotype pretending to be aloof. Maybe writing a novel or something. All I'm missing are my glasses to complete the look. Got that grunge look going on today, ha.
Today isn't going to be some insight into how to live life. Nothing poetic. I just wanted to get this itch out of my system. Thank you for allowing me the space to do so.
I've had this song playing over and over and over in my head for the part four days. I would say it's becoming a nuisance, but it's a good song so I don't mind. I think it speaks to me because of my affinity to fire. The chorus goes like this:
All you have is your fire...
And the place you need to reach -
Don't you ever tame your demons
But always keep 'em on a leash
Fire represents a lot of things to us. To me. Just as it's foil, water, it can also represent life. In Greek mythology, it was a secret of the divine until someone brought it down to us so we could survive. Kinda cool huh? It can destroy just as easily as give life. The elements are much this way. We are at the mercy of such things when outside of ourselves. But what about the elements we carry within us? What about our internal fires and the things that fuel us to move forward not back? If you look at some of the people that inspire us the most, the people who traverse the greatest distances and achieve the highest goals, they seem to always have a "why". Something that drives them. And if said "why" is strong enough, it can push us humans to the brink of destruction or the ever elusive sweet spot just before it that we call success. Now don't get me wrong. Success can mean a lot of things. But whatever that means to you, in order to get there, one must pass through the fire and brimstone. And as mentioned before, not fall to destruction first. And when push comes to shove, they were right. All we have is our fire and the place we need to reach. Sometimes it's the only thing that keeps us going. One foot at a time. It's the line after that where it seems to get interesting though. Demons? Sure, we all have our baggage. None of us can be in another's head so demons are sure to vary as well.
[Ugh another conversation for another time. My fingers can't keep up with my brain...]
But refusing to tame them? That takes an extraordinary amount of faith in one's ability to stay balanced. Teeter tottering on a paper thin wire a thousand feet from the concrete. You have to be a special kind of person to feed from the madness and keep it in check. Most people can't do it. That's what therapists are for. But I think I like this sentiment so much because it requires also stubbornness. A willingness to grit one's teeth and fight for being who you truly are, demons and all.
Anyways. California is a big place, yet to be explored. Had some family in town for a bit. It was good to see them and to force myself to see more of San Diego. The zoo was pretty awesome. I'll have to go back for the panda bear. :) Now that the weather is looking better everyday I'm sure I'll be seeing more of the beach. Running and getting back into shape has definitely been on my mind the last couple of months. Just need to know when to take it easy because nothing good comes all at once. It takes work and consistency and knowing when to rest. I am super awful with the resting. I go hard at things but then burn out, but I'm workin' on that too.
This post feels a bit incomplete. Mind has been foggy the last week. Need to take some time to clear it. Writing helps too. More soon maybe?
Today isn't going to be some insight into how to live life. Nothing poetic. I just wanted to get this itch out of my system. Thank you for allowing me the space to do so.
I've had this song playing over and over and over in my head for the part four days. I would say it's becoming a nuisance, but it's a good song so I don't mind. I think it speaks to me because of my affinity to fire. The chorus goes like this:
All you have is your fire...
And the place you need to reach -
Don't you ever tame your demons
But always keep 'em on a leash
Fire represents a lot of things to us. To me. Just as it's foil, water, it can also represent life. In Greek mythology, it was a secret of the divine until someone brought it down to us so we could survive. Kinda cool huh? It can destroy just as easily as give life. The elements are much this way. We are at the mercy of such things when outside of ourselves. But what about the elements we carry within us? What about our internal fires and the things that fuel us to move forward not back? If you look at some of the people that inspire us the most, the people who traverse the greatest distances and achieve the highest goals, they seem to always have a "why". Something that drives them. And if said "why" is strong enough, it can push us humans to the brink of destruction or the ever elusive sweet spot just before it that we call success. Now don't get me wrong. Success can mean a lot of things. But whatever that means to you, in order to get there, one must pass through the fire and brimstone. And as mentioned before, not fall to destruction first. And when push comes to shove, they were right. All we have is our fire and the place we need to reach. Sometimes it's the only thing that keeps us going. One foot at a time. It's the line after that where it seems to get interesting though. Demons? Sure, we all have our baggage. None of us can be in another's head so demons are sure to vary as well.
[Ugh another conversation for another time. My fingers can't keep up with my brain...]
But refusing to tame them? That takes an extraordinary amount of faith in one's ability to stay balanced. Teeter tottering on a paper thin wire a thousand feet from the concrete. You have to be a special kind of person to feed from the madness and keep it in check. Most people can't do it. That's what therapists are for. But I think I like this sentiment so much because it requires also stubbornness. A willingness to grit one's teeth and fight for being who you truly are, demons and all.
Anyways. California is a big place, yet to be explored. Had some family in town for a bit. It was good to see them and to force myself to see more of San Diego. The zoo was pretty awesome. I'll have to go back for the panda bear. :) Now that the weather is looking better everyday I'm sure I'll be seeing more of the beach. Running and getting back into shape has definitely been on my mind the last couple of months. Just need to know when to take it easy because nothing good comes all at once. It takes work and consistency and knowing when to rest. I am super awful with the resting. I go hard at things but then burn out, but I'm workin' on that too.
This post feels a bit incomplete. Mind has been foggy the last week. Need to take some time to clear it. Writing helps too. More soon maybe?
01 January 2016
2015
Happy New Year!
Naturally, I wanted to post a little something about this year. It's been full of changes. This post is going to be a bit scattered and long so I apologize in advance. Thank you for taking the time to read it anyway.
I believe I am beginning to acclimate to the new environment. The start of the year was full of the news that we might be moving and worrying about where we should go. Things might be very different if I were writing this from Boston right now instead of San Diego. But it's also been a year of growth and love and sadness and despair and loss. It's been a very human year, as odd as that is to say.
Being able to see the ocean and be drawn in by its wonders has been a changing experience. I can't get over how little we know about it and how vast it is. And powerful. It's humbling really. And it makes me appreciate my existence that much more, knowing how small I am compared to the ocean which supports life on this planet. All life. But it's all so beautiful. I think for some reason my mind had grown a little complacent to things such as beauty and art because I lived in the city. Salt Lake City was great for what it was and for the time I was there, I learned a few things about myself too. Being away from my home town and living independently was freeing. But SLC was also very grey. I suppose most big cities are this way when living downtown. If you venture out into the rest of Utah apparently it's beautiful and full of great hiking places, but I never really took the time to appreciate it all. Skiing was the closest I got to being close to nature all bundled up and freezing and trying not to fall every 5 seconds. The mountains were breathtaking, but in a whole different way. Harsh and beautiful all at once. And also huge ha.
I wanted to take note of this summer too. It was a summer I think of honesty. There is a lot of pain I carry when it comes to my family. I love them. I do, but like most people, family members are the ones with whom we struggle the most. Take, for instance, my siblings. I had held onto this notion of them for so long and I think sometime this year I decided to let it go. I wanted to by apart of their lives. I wanted to accept them for who and what they are, and I wanted them to accept me in that same way. Despite all of our differences, I think the biggest one being our difference in beliefs I wanted to open a pathway for us somehow. I felt too that they did as well. I know they struggle with the fact that I do not believe in a god but I realize that it is because they love me. I can at least be grateful for that. I also think it is a good venue for which we can have conversations to understand each other.
I have also found that I have made room for another mother in my life. I wasn't really sure at first what to think of that or whether or not I was going about it all the right way, if there is such a thing. It seemed at first such a delicate thing, this relationship, and I didn't want to do anything to mess it up. The mother I am lucky enough to have had all my life is not without her faults. And while I am grateful to have had a mother, I am also still dealing with the effects of growing up this way, as are my siblings each to varying degrees and for an array of reasons. My partner's mother has a big heart. She is probably the most empathetic woman I have ever met. Almost to a fault, but has done well to overcome the hurdles of being one who feels for others so keenly. She and her husband were gracious enough to take me into their home and accept me as their son's partner. Everything in this arena in life was very new to me. It felt almost like a milestone. To have another person that is not your partner choose to make you part of their family is an honor I had no idea I would have the pleasure of knowing. Over the summer, we came to have this habit of having conversations by ourselves about work, life, love, family, etc. I felt I had gotten to know her and it happened just by chance. For the first time since meeting Angel, I felt I could speak openly about some of my past hurts. I knew, looking at this woman, that she was going to love me anyways in spite of the fact that I am not perfect. That in fact, I am still damaged. And yet, she could see I was the right fit for her son. I have learned a lot from her too. That it's okay that I feel empathy for others. That it's okay to branch out. That it's okay to find my own passions again. That it's okay to love myself even when I am hurting. That it's okay I have scars. I'm not sure why I felt compelled to mention this. But it's worth it to say that she is near and dear to my heart.
Nearing the end of this year I have a few things I am beginning to see and learn. My happiness is solely dependent on me. I am in control of whether or not each day I am taken care of. Granted my partner is a source of happiness for me, I am still in charge of whether or not I am taking care of my emotional and mental welfare. That's up to me. I suppose you can say that I am taking ownership. I am also changing. And that's okay. My interests are changing and what I look for in people is changing too. I am accepting the fact that I am not as solitary of a creature as I have thought in the past. Or that I am in more need of balance than I used to be since I am no longer in school. I also need to take better care of myself physically. Not out of guilt or obligation. But just because that is part of the package of taking care of myself and my own happiness. I still want to be strong but I am re-figuring in what ways and what that means and why. I need to let go of fear of changing and fear of how that might change my relationships, because what works positively for me will be able to fit into my relationships positively as well. If not, then there is a problem elsewhere.
So moving forward I'm sure I'll have resolutions, but before I put into writing what they are, I want to make sure that I am resolute in my determination to actually achieve them. You know, to be accountable and all. I would talk about all the loss, but I'm not totally sure I'm ready to do that just yet so publicly.
Anywho, have a happy new year and safe travels! Looking forward to 2016.
Naturally, I wanted to post a little something about this year. It's been full of changes. This post is going to be a bit scattered and long so I apologize in advance. Thank you for taking the time to read it anyway.
I believe I am beginning to acclimate to the new environment. The start of the year was full of the news that we might be moving and worrying about where we should go. Things might be very different if I were writing this from Boston right now instead of San Diego. But it's also been a year of growth and love and sadness and despair and loss. It's been a very human year, as odd as that is to say.
Being able to see the ocean and be drawn in by its wonders has been a changing experience. I can't get over how little we know about it and how vast it is. And powerful. It's humbling really. And it makes me appreciate my existence that much more, knowing how small I am compared to the ocean which supports life on this planet. All life. But it's all so beautiful. I think for some reason my mind had grown a little complacent to things such as beauty and art because I lived in the city. Salt Lake City was great for what it was and for the time I was there, I learned a few things about myself too. Being away from my home town and living independently was freeing. But SLC was also very grey. I suppose most big cities are this way when living downtown. If you venture out into the rest of Utah apparently it's beautiful and full of great hiking places, but I never really took the time to appreciate it all. Skiing was the closest I got to being close to nature all bundled up and freezing and trying not to fall every 5 seconds. The mountains were breathtaking, but in a whole different way. Harsh and beautiful all at once. And also huge ha.
I wanted to take note of this summer too. It was a summer I think of honesty. There is a lot of pain I carry when it comes to my family. I love them. I do, but like most people, family members are the ones with whom we struggle the most. Take, for instance, my siblings. I had held onto this notion of them for so long and I think sometime this year I decided to let it go. I wanted to by apart of their lives. I wanted to accept them for who and what they are, and I wanted them to accept me in that same way. Despite all of our differences, I think the biggest one being our difference in beliefs I wanted to open a pathway for us somehow. I felt too that they did as well. I know they struggle with the fact that I do not believe in a god but I realize that it is because they love me. I can at least be grateful for that. I also think it is a good venue for which we can have conversations to understand each other.
I have also found that I have made room for another mother in my life. I wasn't really sure at first what to think of that or whether or not I was going about it all the right way, if there is such a thing. It seemed at first such a delicate thing, this relationship, and I didn't want to do anything to mess it up. The mother I am lucky enough to have had all my life is not without her faults. And while I am grateful to have had a mother, I am also still dealing with the effects of growing up this way, as are my siblings each to varying degrees and for an array of reasons. My partner's mother has a big heart. She is probably the most empathetic woman I have ever met. Almost to a fault, but has done well to overcome the hurdles of being one who feels for others so keenly. She and her husband were gracious enough to take me into their home and accept me as their son's partner. Everything in this arena in life was very new to me. It felt almost like a milestone. To have another person that is not your partner choose to make you part of their family is an honor I had no idea I would have the pleasure of knowing. Over the summer, we came to have this habit of having conversations by ourselves about work, life, love, family, etc. I felt I had gotten to know her and it happened just by chance. For the first time since meeting Angel, I felt I could speak openly about some of my past hurts. I knew, looking at this woman, that she was going to love me anyways in spite of the fact that I am not perfect. That in fact, I am still damaged. And yet, she could see I was the right fit for her son. I have learned a lot from her too. That it's okay that I feel empathy for others. That it's okay to branch out. That it's okay to find my own passions again. That it's okay to love myself even when I am hurting. That it's okay I have scars. I'm not sure why I felt compelled to mention this. But it's worth it to say that she is near and dear to my heart.
Nearing the end of this year I have a few things I am beginning to see and learn. My happiness is solely dependent on me. I am in control of whether or not each day I am taken care of. Granted my partner is a source of happiness for me, I am still in charge of whether or not I am taking care of my emotional and mental welfare. That's up to me. I suppose you can say that I am taking ownership. I am also changing. And that's okay. My interests are changing and what I look for in people is changing too. I am accepting the fact that I am not as solitary of a creature as I have thought in the past. Or that I am in more need of balance than I used to be since I am no longer in school. I also need to take better care of myself physically. Not out of guilt or obligation. But just because that is part of the package of taking care of myself and my own happiness. I still want to be strong but I am re-figuring in what ways and what that means and why. I need to let go of fear of changing and fear of how that might change my relationships, because what works positively for me will be able to fit into my relationships positively as well. If not, then there is a problem elsewhere.
So moving forward I'm sure I'll have resolutions, but before I put into writing what they are, I want to make sure that I am resolute in my determination to actually achieve them. You know, to be accountable and all. I would talk about all the loss, but I'm not totally sure I'm ready to do that just yet so publicly.
Anywho, have a happy new year and safe travels! Looking forward to 2016.
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