2015

Happy New Year!

Naturally, I wanted to post a little something about this year. It's been full of changes. This post is going to be a bit scattered and long so I apologize in advance. Thank you for taking the time to read it anyway.

I believe I am beginning to acclimate to the new environment. The start of the year was full of the news that we might be moving and worrying about where we should go. Things might be very different if I were writing this from Boston right now instead of San Diego. But it's also been a year of growth and love and sadness and despair and loss. It's been a very human year, as odd as that is to say.

Being able to see the ocean and be drawn in by its wonders has been a changing experience. I can't get over how little we know about it and how vast it is. And powerful. It's humbling really. And it makes me appreciate my existence that much more, knowing how small I am compared to the ocean which supports life on this planet. All life. But it's all so beautiful. I think for some reason my mind had grown a little complacent to things such as beauty and art because I lived in the city. Salt Lake City was great for what it was and for the time I was there, I learned a few things about myself too. Being away from my home town and living independently was freeing. But SLC was also very grey. I suppose most big cities are this way when living downtown. If you venture out into the rest of Utah apparently it's beautiful and full of great hiking places, but I never really took the time to appreciate it all. Skiing was the closest I got to being close to nature all bundled up and freezing and trying not to fall every 5 seconds. The mountains were breathtaking, but in a whole different way. Harsh and beautiful all at once. And also huge ha.

I wanted to take note of this summer too. It was a summer I think of honesty. There is a lot of pain I carry when it comes to my family. I love them. I do, but like most people, family members are the ones with whom we struggle the most. Take, for instance, my siblings. I had held onto this notion of them for so long and I think sometime this year I decided to let it go. I wanted to by apart of their lives. I wanted to accept them for who and what they are, and I wanted them to accept me in that same way. Despite all of our differences, I think the biggest one being our difference in beliefs I wanted to open a pathway for us somehow. I felt too that they did as well. I know they struggle with the fact that I do not believe in a god but I realize that it is because they love me. I can at least be grateful for that. I also think it is a good venue for which we can have conversations to understand each other.

I have also found that I have made room for another mother in my life. I wasn't really sure at first what to think of that or whether or not I was going about it all the right way, if there is such a thing. It seemed at first such a delicate thing, this relationship, and I didn't want to do anything to mess it up. The mother I am lucky enough to have had all my life is not without her faults. And while I am grateful to have had a mother, I am also still dealing with the effects of growing up this way, as are my siblings each to varying degrees and for an array of reasons. My partner's mother has a big heart. She is probably the most empathetic woman I have ever met. Almost to a fault, but has done well to overcome the hurdles of being one who feels for others so keenly. She and her husband were gracious enough to take me into their home and accept me as their son's partner. Everything in this arena in life was very new to me. It felt almost like a milestone. To have another person that is not your partner choose to make you part of their family is an honor I had no idea I would have the pleasure of knowing. Over the summer, we came to have this habit of having conversations by ourselves about work, life, love, family, etc. I felt I had gotten to know her and it happened just by chance. For the first time since meeting Angel, I felt I could speak openly about some of my past hurts. I knew, looking at this woman, that she was going to love me anyways in spite of the fact that I am not perfect. That in fact, I am still damaged. And yet, she could see I was the right fit for her son. I have learned a lot from her too. That it's okay that I feel empathy for others. That it's okay to branch out. That it's okay to find my own passions again. That it's okay to love myself even when I am hurting. That it's okay I have scars. I'm not sure why I felt compelled to mention this. But it's worth it to say that she is near and dear to my heart.

Nearing the end of this year I have a few things I am beginning to see and learn. My happiness is solely dependent on me. I am in control of whether or not each day I am taken care of. Granted my partner is a source of happiness for me, I am still in charge of whether or not I am taking care of my emotional and mental welfare. That's up to me. I suppose you can say that I am taking ownership. I am also changing. And that's okay. My interests are changing and what I look for in people is changing too. I am accepting the fact that I am not as solitary of a creature as I have thought in the past. Or that I am in more need of balance than I used to be since I am no longer in school. I also need to take better care of myself physically. Not out of guilt or obligation. But just because that is part of the package of taking care of myself and my own happiness. I still want to be strong but I am re-figuring in what ways and what that means and why. I need to let go of fear of changing and fear of how that might change my relationships, because what works positively for me will be able to fit into my relationships positively as well. If not, then there is a problem elsewhere.

So moving forward I'm sure I'll have resolutions, but before I put into writing what they are, I want to make sure that I am resolute in my determination to actually achieve them. You know, to be accountable and all. I would talk about all the loss, but I'm not totally sure I'm ready to do that just yet so publicly.

Anywho, have a happy new year and safe travels! Looking forward to 2016.